life of a cuddlebit

my random ramblings

a relationship is an agreement

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Are you familiar with the TV show The Big Bang Theory? If so, I think you find Sheldon and Amy’s relationship a bit weird that they have a relationship agreement. But I will let you in on a secret.

The Big Bang Theory's Amy and Sheldon. Photo from the internet

The Big Bang Theory’s Amy and Sheldon. Photo from the internet

Kei and I actually have a relationship agreement! (But not like Amy and Sheldon’s.) We made it a week after we decided to be a couple. It contains all our promises to each other and we still go back to it from time to time to see if we really do what we promised to each other. We add to it, we improve it and it kind of grows with us and our relationship.

Truth is it took us forever to get together. We have known each other since grade school. That was it. It was not till after college…that our paths crossed again. Kei asked me out 8 times, before I finally agreed to meet him. After seeing him, it took us 6 months or more to decide if we do make sense together. And also determine if we are really attracted to each other.

*Imagine what if Kei stopped asking me out after the third no. Our lives will be so different from what we have today.

In that span of time (is our courtship stage) we got to study each other. What makes each other tick, pet peeves, and rational/ emotional levels.

*At this time, I am still unsure about Kei but would like to know him better without the pressure of coupling up.

So, in my case: What I did was unusual. I insisted that when we go out, we always split the bill. In case the getting to know stage does not proceed to an actual relationship, I do not have any debt of gratitude or in Filipino “utang-na-loob”.  And he will not feel like I am taking advantage of the date (hello! free food). He does however fetch me from home to where we want to go and accompany me back home. From time to time he gives me flowers and chocolates.

At this time, I am shifting the focus from myself to listen to him then reveal and share opinions after. Basically, I am learning about him the same way as he learns about me, getting to know what our negotiable and non-negotiable/s as well as the compromises we agree upon.

*Obviously the dream girl or guy profile you created in your head is usually not the one you meet in real life, Maybe close but not exact.  There is bound to be differences. Kei scored 7 out of 10 in my dream guy checklist. But now I couldn’t imagine anyone better suited to me. If I remember correctly I got 8 on Kei’s dream girl checklist. Yet here we are. 

It is not only attraction; it is also a meeting of minds. This is analyzing people exactly as they are – the good, the bad and all the crazy in between/s. This is two different people trying to see if they can look at things in the same perspective, meld their ideas and complement each other. This is also the acceptance stage.

In example: his ideal girl is 5’4”, your height is sadly 4’11”. Would he be ok with that? Her ideal guy earns 50k a month, you earn 20k a month. Would it be ok? Would that matter? Is it a deal breaker? Do you really need that?

*And realistically, are your standards even possible? You got to ask yourself that. Example: You want a rich, athlete boyfriend with a hot body, are you yourself rich? Are you an athlete with a hot body to match? If not, you might want to rethink your standards. This also applies to those seeking to find a rich partner, Do that person even know you exist? Frequent the same places? Obviously its only in fairy tales that peasant girls marry the prince. Again are your standards realistic?

Because, imagination and real life will never be the same, it will always have differences and sometimes glaring differences.  *Saying this again as this is important.*

You learn from each other and show an effort to understand the likes, dislikes and favorite activities/food/interests of each other. Who knows you might just have a new hobby/skill/interest!

Next, Attitude. This is the make or break in all relationships. This is a deal breaker.

Basically this plays a huge role whether or not your relationship will make it or not. To place it no one wants to be in a relationship with someone conceited, selfish, bossy, fussy, vain… etc. There is no use being with someone who requires you to change yourself/ your friends or your life in order for them to fit into it. That person is a big NO. You need someone who appreciates you for being you.

*Being good looking is a surefire way to get lots of attention; but if that is coupled with an attitude problem, people will stay away from you. Sure, they will tolerate you for a while, but its only just a matter of time till they leave. 

Nobody has time to be with someone who makes them feel bad about themselves. If that person makes you feel more insecure about yourself, that one has to go. A relationship consists of two persons who support each other so there must be harmony between the two.

*Do not expect the other party to give out more, because while it may be fine for the first few times, it will soon be a cause of resentment and then may eventually lead to a huge row or a gradual separation. You get what you give. Learn to appreciate all the little things the other party does for you. He is lucky to get your time and attention yes, but you are lucky he gave you his time and attention also. When they could be with anybody else or go on with their normal lives they made an effort to be with you. Instead of looking at it as: the other party must be thankful, reverse it. You must be thankful.

Frankly, a one sided relationship won’t last honey.

Next, packaging. How do you present yourself? So, you want an executive? Do you dress like a executive yourself? If you do want an executive (obviously he is wearing button down polo and slacks) and then you dress up yourself in a tight t-shirt and skimpy shorts, would it look like a good match?  A tip: Men don’t really notice what you wear, unless it’s really colorful, too revealing, or he is gay. (Don’t dress revealingly as is known to attract those people with not so good intentions. Ok?) What men notice is if you are smiling or not. A smile is equivalent to being approachable. And approaching you is the first step yes?! So, smile on!

Dress your age, and dress for your body type. Remember the time when juicy couture tracksuits were all the rage and we see old aunties wearing sweatpants with the world lovely on the bum? Not cool.

If you want to be taken seriously, you have to dress seriously.

 

Got all that? Maybe you already caught someone’s eye.

*On the meantime that you are waiting for Mr/Ms right to come along improve yourself! Remember like attracts like. So while waiting for your ideal girlfriend, make yourself into the ideal boyfriend. And vice versa.

 

-Taken from our (Kei and Me) recent musings while on a bus ride home. With inputs from our friend Matti.  #tamanglandilang #atadcoquettish

 

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Author: Pammy

I'm a graphic artist and a dreamer. I write to release my thoughts, just to tell about it. I love eating, shopping, my pet rabbits, making people laugh, and being with my family and friends.

2 thoughts on “a relationship is an agreement

  1. Don’t you like him before that it took a long time? I do the same with bf in sharing the bill. Though sometimes I wish time would come that we could spend our days where he’s the only one who’s paying so I could feel like he’s really a man who could support.

    I’m just okay if I need to change, I’m open to it but I don’t want to be forced. And I hope it’s the same thing to him. I only want him to be his best.

    I’m just new to your tip though I don’t know if it makes sense to my current bf. A good man with a good heart will not really notice what you wear. Too bad those good men are extinct now. There’s a lot of vain guys and the need to adapt to whatever surrounding you’re in. My brother once don’t care what I wear yet after his exposure to a corporate world, he encourages me to improve my looks and even give me cash for it.

    • Hello Teri! =)

      Yes, I do not really like him that much before.

      For sharing: We split the bill when he was still courting me, when we officially became a couple (BF/GF) he pays for the bigger bill and I pay for the smaller one. (Lets say while out on a date, he pays for lunch, and I pay for the afternoon snack.) This gives us a bit of equality. The guy will not feel like you are fleecing him for money, and by also shouldering part of the bill you get to see his efforts better and he will in turn feel appreciated/wanted that gets him to see you as his equal, his partner.

      As for change, change for the better and let it happen naturally/gradually. Change does not happen overnight.

      Yes. They really do not notice what you wear! But this does not mean you can look “losyang” make it a point that you look presentable. What people remember is how you make them feel when you are with them. (Citing another example: what if you look real pretty and fashionable like a model, but you treat your companion as your walking atm, alalay, ginawa mong tagabuhat ng bag/at mga gamit. At the end of the day he wont really recall what you wore/look like. But he will remember your horrible attitude for sure.)

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