life of a cuddlebit

my random ramblings


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two brides in the family

the actual message sent to me

the actual message sent to me

Yesterday (March 15, 2015), I got this text message from my cousin (that is also my bridesmaid) that she was proposed to within the week. And she will not be able to fulfill her duties as my bridesmaid-as she has her own wedding to plan.

Her date is Jan 24, 2016 (so close to our date-Dec 19 and it is also right after my birthday!) We would be on a Sukob- a (Filipino) belief that misfortunes will befall the couple if they decided to get married during the same year a sibling also got married. or a chiong xi-clash of luck a (Chinese) superstition that if a couple’s wedding falls within less than 30 days of the wedding day of one of their close relatives (cousins included), then the couples cannot attend each another’s wedding or there may be a ‘collision’ of good fortune. I was like are are you freaking kidding me?

You didn’t even have a decent Facebook post or announcement or anything??? What now?

Do not get me wrong. I love my cousin. For my whole existence, she was one of my Atchie/s (big sister) –one I look up to. One of the family. I love her dearly that is why I picked her to be by my side on my wedding day.

But then again. What guy proposes to a girl that already has picked out a wedding date that fast?! (Chinese usually gets a geomancer to pick out a good day.) I informed you guys, a year ago of my date! I was aghast. I mean yeah, I am happy for you. But the news also stirs up my thoughts….Why did you have to set the date so soon? Why so sudden? Why the rush?

I got engaged July 20, 2014. My wedding is at December 19, 2015. That December 19 date was picked by our geomancer!

A year in the making, We even sent out bridesmaid kits for the entourage (Feb 2015)! She even accepted! It was all planned, she knew! Just why?

Then I am blindsided with this. After knowing our story, our date, our colors and location of our wedding. I was like why? Why you do this? The only good thing right now is at least we still haven’t had her measurements taken for her dress.

So, yeah maybe that was out of her control. But looking again at her message, there is this 100 days before and after that she wrote down… that means she and her family cannot attend my wedding, Same goes for us.

So yeah whatever. If that makes them feel better so be it. What I hate about the situation is the awkwardness and the comparison it brings, let us also not forget the casting of entourage… kind of like a ugly power struggle. We are all supposed to be happy for one another! A family must be united on a happy occasion right? You guys know how I hate family drama. Sucks. All this because they set their date so close and so sudden.

Anyway, what is done is done. I’m just praying that everything goes well for everyone.

I may be bewildered now, but I am ok. I bear no ill or bitterness. All the best Atchie C.

I love you and is truly happy for you! Happy preps! Our family is truly blessed to have two happy occasions to look forward to! Double the bride, double the love! God bless!

xoxo, Pam

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comparison & contrast

I am usually (if not always) compared to others. Born to a strict Chinese household that equates being the best to having more than others, or doing better than others. I am in constant pressure/battle with my peers and cousins on who gets the nicest/well paid jobs, best dressed, be financially well-off, who gets a “complete package” significant other. While this might prove to be a driving force to make me aim for better, I am actually exhausted in having to keep up with them all, that at times I fantasize on running away to some far-flung place and live without the pressure of keeping up on my shoulder.

 

I don’t have a high paying job, I just have a job. I try my best to dress well even if I cannot afford brand names. I am not well-off, from the start I have always been from a plain family. I have a significant other, though he is far from being a “complete package”, and we are not yet a sealed deal… I love him and he strives really hard at work. I am on my toes trying to keep up with everyone. I think about my cousins, can I still hold my own with them? I think about my friends/classmates, can I catch up? I think about the other single girls in my circle, can I match up to their standards of beauty? I think of my travelling friends, can I go exploring like them someday? I think about the entrepreneur friends I have, can I ever do something like they did? I think of my savings, do I have enough?

I think about keeping up at times (that worries me too much because I am a control freak), I feel powerless when I cant do anything/ I have no plan, I then have panic attacks and end up losing sleep. And then went on to have stomach cramps and ulcer attacks.

 

Comparison

Comparison

 

I then pray to God. God, Thank you for everything you gave me, I need/give me this and that…help me with (insert everything society dictates here).

Then, I stay awake or continue my endless list of God please help me with (insert everything society dictates here) till I fall asleep, and wake up without really ending my prayer. I feel bad about myself when I do that. I feel really guilty, that I cease to pray for the rest of the day and wait for bedtime to attempt praying again.

 

This time, I wanted to let it all go. I want to Let God take all my worries.

This is really hard for me but I will try my darn best to let go.

I will stop comparing myself to others.