life of a cuddlebit

my random ramblings


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dust in my eye

I always wipe my glasses clean before heading out to work. By afternoon, when I take them out to wipe them again I notice a lot of dust has accumulated on the lenses and I am happily unaware of it. I can only see them when I take my glasses and inspect it on a different view.

I am unaware of stuff clouding up my vision.  But I notice the dirt on my desk, monitor…etc. That is, further to me than my own glasses that rest on my nose.

photo taken from the internet

photo taken from the internet

There are certain friends/people in my environment that are quick to notice the dust in my lenses. And hate me for it. At times, I get terribly affected, sometimes I just don’t care but honestly, it hurts. That I start seeing/looking at the dust that clouds up their lenses too and resenting them.

I don’t even think of them as friends anymore.

Getting to a point that I can feel hate. The mere sound of their voice makes me want to hurl.  

I am walking on a thin thread with this. I swing back and forth from hate and tolerance. I pray for patience and wisdom in dealing with them that at times I prayed that they get the feeling that they make me feel. Sad, I know.

This is partly why I am an introvert from the start. I am afraid of people.

Ignoring my “triggers” seems to help. But that can also grow thin. I just remind myself this:

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. –Matthew 7:1-5

Dear God, please help me with the dust in my eyes. Give me a heart of compassion.

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I maybe a rabbit

Is it possible for a human to be like a rabbit? I think I am a rabbit.

Despite my dislike for vegetables. I can safely say I share a lot of similarities with a rabbit. I am panicky. Scared of anything and everything unknown. I run instead of confront possible predators. I am docile and affectionate to those I know. I am only responsive when given treats. I rarely show my appreciation to my master. I do things just to get special treats. I rarely pay attention to anything my master says, to me its all a gibberish language I cannot understand. I am indifferent when my master walks by and I tend to hurt,  bite/scratch my master, lots of times. What can my master get by being with me? Nothing. Just the occasional hug, some licks when I feel like it. Other than that no more. Master has to give me food and water daily and clean my cage, protect me from possible predators, take me to the vet to keep me healthy.

 

You see my master is God.  Let’s change the perspective a bit:

Even with God, I am panicky. Scared of anything and everything unknown. I run instead of confront possible predators. I am docile and affectionate to those I know. I am only responsive to God  when given favors. I rarely show my appreciation to God. I do things just to get my prayers granted. I rarely pay attention to anything God says. I am indifferent when God makes His presence felt and I tend to complain,  underestimate, ignore God, lots of times. What can God get by being with me? Nothing. Just the occasional prayer, some praise when I feel like it. Other than that no more. God gives me food and water daily and give me life, protect me from possible danger, and keep me healthy.

Everything is for me, God gets nothing.  I am God’s useless pet.

 

last week, I got bitten by one of my pet rabbits. It drew blood and it was a pretty deep wound for something that looks totally harmless.

rabbit bite

rabbit bite

I would be lying if I say it doesn’t hurt. It did hurt. A lot if I may add.

Should I stop taking care of my rabbit? maybe. But that Rabbit is my responsibility, it is my pet, Even if it hurts me, I will still care for it. I will still love it no matter how many times it scratches and ignores me.

God feels the same way about me. But on that part I am the rabbit and He is the master.

 

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. -Psalm 86:15

 

 

 


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of little faith

I am not one to sit back and wait for things to happen. I try to make things happen. I get antsy when I am told to stay put.

I think about all the what-if and I worry too much. But there are times that I pray and hope for immediate results, which is not the right attitude.

I know. I just cant help it.  I am of little faith.

photo from pinterest

photo from pinterest

Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much better than they?- Matthew 6:26


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comparison & contrast

I am usually (if not always) compared to others. Born to a strict Chinese household that equates being the best to having more than others, or doing better than others. I am in constant pressure/battle with my peers and cousins on who gets the nicest/well paid jobs, best dressed, be financially well-off, who gets a “complete package” significant other. While this might prove to be a driving force to make me aim for better, I am actually exhausted in having to keep up with them all, that at times I fantasize on running away to some far-flung place and live without the pressure of keeping up on my shoulder.

 

I don’t have a high paying job, I just have a job. I try my best to dress well even if I cannot afford brand names. I am not well-off, from the start I have always been from a plain family. I have a significant other, though he is far from being a “complete package”, and we are not yet a sealed deal… I love him and he strives really hard at work. I am on my toes trying to keep up with everyone. I think about my cousins, can I still hold my own with them? I think about my friends/classmates, can I catch up? I think about the other single girls in my circle, can I match up to their standards of beauty? I think of my travelling friends, can I go exploring like them someday? I think about the entrepreneur friends I have, can I ever do something like they did? I think of my savings, do I have enough?

I think about keeping up at times (that worries me too much because I am a control freak), I feel powerless when I cant do anything/ I have no plan, I then have panic attacks and end up losing sleep. And then went on to have stomach cramps and ulcer attacks.

 

Comparison

Comparison

 

I then pray to God. God, Thank you for everything you gave me, I need/give me this and that…help me with (insert everything society dictates here).

Then, I stay awake or continue my endless list of God please help me with (insert everything society dictates here) till I fall asleep, and wake up without really ending my prayer. I feel bad about myself when I do that. I feel really guilty, that I cease to pray for the rest of the day and wait for bedtime to attempt praying again.

 

This time, I wanted to let it all go. I want to Let God take all my worries.

This is really hard for me but I will try my darn best to let go.

I will stop comparing myself to others.

 

 


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choosing joy

I am currently stuck in a lot of work. That I neglect my blog, fail to see my friends and just hit the sack when I get home. I barely have time for myself.

Skipped going to the dentist to get my braces adjusted, even forgot to see my dermatologist!

Every night, I go check Facebook just to be in the know about what is happening in my circle of friends and somehow I cannot relate. Its like I’m trapped in an alternate world where all I see is other people’s blessings. I see their happy faces, travel pictures, family outings, new bags, nice clothes, shiny cars and the latest dose of gossip (who is with whom, who is seen in where…etc.).  I then think about how badly I want a vacation, daydream about leaving and travelling… that always ends with I wish I have more money. Then I get sad.

But, this time my self pitying was halted by a pop up chat message from an old friend.

It says:  Sorry for disturbing your evening but, can I please ask for help? I will be blunt. I am jobless for more than a year, I can barely keep up with my living expenses I need a job. please help.

Bam! Instant reality check.

While I was busy complaining that I am buried in a pile of work, my friend desperately prays for work.

I was appalled at my behavior and quickly thanked God for the daily blessings I receive.

Then proceeded to look at the net for some leads that could fit my friend. After a while some of my friends found something for the friend in need.

joy

There is a lot to be thankful for.

Thank God for everyday blessings and carry on a positive attitude.