I am usually (if not always) compared to others. Born to a strict Chinese household that equates being the best to having more than others, or doing better than others. I am in constant pressure/battle with my peers and cousins on who gets the nicest/well paid jobs, best dressed, be financially well-off, who gets a “complete package” significant other. While this might prove to be a driving force to make me aim for better, I am actually exhausted in having to keep up with them all, that at times I fantasize on running away to some far-flung place and live without the pressure of keeping up on my shoulder.
I don’t have a high paying job, I just have a job. I try my best to dress well even if I cannot afford brand names. I am not well-off, from the start I have always been from a plain family. I have a significant other, though he is far from being a “complete package”, and we are not yet a sealed deal… I love him and he strives really hard at work. I am on my toes trying to keep up with everyone. I think about my cousins, can I still hold my own with them? I think about my friends/classmates, can I catch up? I think about the other single girls in my circle, can I match up to their standards of beauty? I think of my travelling friends, can I go exploring like them someday? I think about the entrepreneur friends I have, can I ever do something like they did? I think of my savings, do I have enough?
I think about keeping up at times (that worries me too much because I am a control freak), I feel powerless when I cant do anything/ I have no plan, I then have panic attacks and end up losing sleep. And then went on to have stomach cramps and ulcer attacks.
I then pray to God. God, Thank you for everything you gave me, I need/give me this and that…help me with (insert everything society dictates here).
Then, I stay awake or continue my endless list of God please help me with (insert everything society dictates here) till I fall asleep, and wake up without really ending my prayer. I feel bad about myself when I do that. I feel really guilty, that I cease to pray for the rest of the day and wait for bedtime to attempt praying again.
This time, I wanted to let it all go. I want to Let God take all my worries.
This is really hard for me but I will try my darn best to let go.
I will stop comparing myself to others.