life of a cuddlebit

my random ramblings


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comparison & contrast

I am usually (if not always) compared to others. Born to a strict Chinese household that equates being the best to having more than others, or doing better than others. I am in constant pressure/battle with my peers and cousins on who gets the nicest/well paid jobs, best dressed, be financially well-off, who gets a “complete package” significant other. While this might prove to be a driving force to make me aim for better, I am actually exhausted in having to keep up with them all, that at times I fantasize on running away to some far-flung place and live without the pressure of keeping up on my shoulder.

 

I don’t have a high paying job, I just have a job. I try my best to dress well even if I cannot afford brand names. I am not well-off, from the start I have always been from a plain family. I have a significant other, though he is far from being a “complete package”, and we are not yet a sealed deal… I love him and he strives really hard at work. I am on my toes trying to keep up with everyone. I think about my cousins, can I still hold my own with them? I think about my friends/classmates, can I catch up? I think about the other single girls in my circle, can I match up to their standards of beauty? I think of my travelling friends, can I go exploring like them someday? I think about the entrepreneur friends I have, can I ever do something like they did? I think of my savings, do I have enough?

I think about keeping up at times (that worries me too much because I am a control freak), I feel powerless when I cant do anything/ I have no plan, I then have panic attacks and end up losing sleep. And then went on to have stomach cramps and ulcer attacks.

 

Comparison

Comparison

 

I then pray to God. God, Thank you for everything you gave me, I need/give me this and that…help me with (insert everything society dictates here).

Then, I stay awake or continue my endless list of God please help me with (insert everything society dictates here) till I fall asleep, and wake up without really ending my prayer. I feel bad about myself when I do that. I feel really guilty, that I cease to pray for the rest of the day and wait for bedtime to attempt praying again.

 

This time, I wanted to let it all go. I want to Let God take all my worries.

This is really hard for me but I will try my darn best to let go.

I will stop comparing myself to others.

 

 

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choosing joy

I am currently stuck in a lot of work. That I neglect my blog, fail to see my friends and just hit the sack when I get home. I barely have time for myself.

Skipped going to the dentist to get my braces adjusted, even forgot to see my dermatologist!

Every night, I go check Facebook just to be in the know about what is happening in my circle of friends and somehow I cannot relate. Its like I’m trapped in an alternate world where all I see is other people’s blessings. I see their happy faces, travel pictures, family outings, new bags, nice clothes, shiny cars and the latest dose of gossip (who is with whom, who is seen in where…etc.).  I then think about how badly I want a vacation, daydream about leaving and travelling… that always ends with I wish I have more money. Then I get sad.

But, this time my self pitying was halted by a pop up chat message from an old friend.

It says:  Sorry for disturbing your evening but, can I please ask for help? I will be blunt. I am jobless for more than a year, I can barely keep up with my living expenses I need a job. please help.

Bam! Instant reality check.

While I was busy complaining that I am buried in a pile of work, my friend desperately prays for work.

I was appalled at my behavior and quickly thanked God for the daily blessings I receive.

Then proceeded to look at the net for some leads that could fit my friend. After a while some of my friends found something for the friend in need.

joy

There is a lot to be thankful for.

Thank God for everyday blessings and carry on a positive attitude.


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a quick escape

I wish I could be someplace else but since it looks like I am going to be stuck here, I might as well go on a little journey of my own by burrowing my nose on a book. To me, books are encapsulated magic, they take me to places I never could have been, talk to famous people both living and the dead, they are also teach me lot of stuff and keep me company when I have none.

Frederick the Literate -by Charles Wysocki Photo taken from http://www.artifactsgallery.com/

Frederick the Literate -by Charles Wysocki
Photo taken from http://www.artifactsgallery.com/

I am never lonely or alone when I am with a book. I just sit on the couch and I can be in any part of the world, or on the fantasy world. I have friends big and small, furry, scaled, armored, winged, or deep in the ocean. In  there I can be a peasant, a princess or a unicorn! I can also be deep in thought while trying to analyze what the author is saying, but there is never a dull moment when I am with a book. I can go on reading for hours till I fall asleep and the moment I wake up, I want to go reading again.

Most  of my childhood was also spent in the company of books, I used to stay at the library for hours and go home with three books in tow, the next day I will be back again for more books. For the little me at that time,  ultimate comfort was having a good book, a bowl of ice cream and a rainy sky outside my window.

Since it is now the time for the rainy season, books the perfect place to get lost in.

There is no friend as loyal as a book. -Ernest Hemingway